


to trust myself to trust someone else

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [6]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: A2 Needs a Hug, F/F, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Ending E (NieR: Automata), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27037147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: Ever since the war had ended and she had started to understand that she wasn’t alone anymore, some of the numbness that she had been submerged in for the past few years had started to melt. Some would assume that to be a good thing, but… in its place was overwhelming, intolerable despair so thick she felt she was choking on it more often than not.---A2 is beginning to heal, but sometimes the process is painful. Luckily, she has two friends who care deeply about her to provide support.Part of a series, but can be read as a stand-alone.
Relationships: 2B/A2 (NieR: Automata), A2 & Anemone (NieR: Automata)
Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892593
Kudos: 18





	to trust myself to trust someone else

**Author's Note:**

> A couple of notes for those reading this as a stand-alone: 2B let A2 pretty much keep Pod 042. A2 came up with a way to bring back 6O and 21O, but they aren't back yet as it will take a long time for their data to download all the way from the moon server to Earth.
> 
> The quotes from A2's past (as they appear in snippets of flashbacks) are translated by me from the YoRHa 1.2 stage play (which I'm still obsessed with by the way lol).
> 
> As a side note, I actually wrote the first draft of this before even watching the stage play, just knowing what's revealed of A2's past in the game. I was listening to the English version of Weight of the World and got a lot of feels thinking about the times when inevitably she finds herself missing her former allies...
> 
> TW for some passive suicidal ideation on the part of A2 on a couple of occasions, in the context of survivor's guilt.

_I need you more than ever right now…_

A2 looked up at the sky, though she doubted there was any sort of afterlife for androids. After all, it wasn’t as though they had a soul.

Ever since she had started to get close to 2B, some of the numbness that she had been submerged in for the past few years had started to melt. Some would assume that to be a good thing, but… in its place was overwhelming, intolerable despair so thick she felt she was choking on it more often than not.

“Observation: signals indicate that unit A2’s psychological state is sadness. Recommendation: sadness appears to decrease when unit A2 is around unit 2B,” Pod 042 chimed in. At this time, he lacked the ability to make his voice gentle, and he knew that he lacked knowledge in providing comfort. But the fact that A2 had been isolating herself lately was something he felt he needed to intervene on, because it seemed to be making her psychological state deteriorate further.

She ignored him. The feeling of not deserving comfort, or not wanting to burden another with her troubles… she was sure that was beyond a Pod’s ability to understand.

It was her obligation to live with this pain. If she had made different choices as captain, it was possible some of them may have survived. At the very least, if she hadn’t asked the Resistance for help… they would still be alive. Her YoRHa comrades still probably would have been wiped out, but maybe at least then she could have died with them, too.

She was shaken from her dark thoughts by the sound of footsteps. When she turned and saw 2B, she raised an eyebrow at her Pod, wondering if somehow he had contacted her. Granted, she was sitting in the window of her home base, so it wasn’t exactly like she would be hard to find if 2B had decided to pay her a visit.

“A2,” 2B greeted with a smile. Despite all the losses she had suffered, she had been doing a lot more of that recently than she ever had during her time with YoRHa.

“Hey,” A2 replied. She tried to ensure her expression was neutral. She had promised to try to be more open with 2B, but right now she was too overwhelmed with self-disparaging thoughts to honor that.

“I haven’t seen you in a while.” She started to move to sit next to A2 in the window.

Worried about 2B falling, she quickly got up and sat against the wall as soon as she realized her intention. Not wanting 2B to think she was pushing her away, she motioned to the space next to her.

She found A2’s behavior a bit odd, but sat next to her before continuing to speak. “Is everything okay?”

_Yes,_ she wanted to lie, but she held back. After a long pause, she looked away and shook her head.

In a gesture that was almost becoming second nature between the two of them, 2B placed her hand over A2’s. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head, more quickly this time as her breath caught in her chest.

“Okay. You don’t have to.” She understood all too well what it was like to feel like something was too painful to talk about. For a long time, she had tried her best not to even think about her role as an E-type. Even now, she was only recently beginning to feel she could breathe around the weight of shame.

A2 didn’t feel she deserved the reassurance she felt, 2B’s presence a steady comfort beside her, and it was tempting to push her away. But… pushing her away would hurt 2B too, and she couldn’t bring herself to do that. It really would have been better if she just hadn’t even woken up.

She wondered if her presence was actually helpful or not. A2 hadn’t moved at all in the past few minutes, her expression unreadable. She wanted to say something to make her feel better, but she was afraid that her clumsy efforts at comfort would only hurt her more.

Gradually, though, some of the weight started to lift off her shoulders. A2 sighed softly, still feeling miserable but finding it a bit more bearable. “I’m not trying to push you away,” she promised. “It’s just… still… too much.”

“I understand.” She squeezed A2’s hand gently. “Just don’t forget… I’m your ally.”

Her ally. _“What we need right now… are allies!”_ A memory of her own voice rang in her ears and she jumped up, pulling her hand away from 2B’s in the process, in an effort to distract herself away from having a flashback.

She wondered if it would be selfish of her to see Anemone. The one person who should be least likely to forgive her, and yet who didn’t seem to bear any sort of grudge. The one person who would know most of what she had been through without needing to be told.

_“That’s not true, No. 2. We… decided ourselves to come here._ ”

_No!_

“A2?”

She had never been so grateful for the sound of 2B’s voice before. “2B…”

Something had just happened. She didn’t completely understand what it was, but it was clear that something about her words had frightened A2… or more likely, brought back distressing memories. She certainly understood how that could feel. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” _It’s mine_. Doing her best to put on a smile in the hopes of assuaging 2B’s guilt, she reached out her hand. “Take a walk with me?”

“Of course.” 2B wasted no time in getting to her feet and taking A2’s hand in her own.

The movement helped her calm down, clearing her mind from the memories that she wished she could just forget. How did Anemone do it? Writing down what they had experienced… she wasn’t sure she would even be capable of it. “I think I’m going to go see Anemone.”

Part of her wished that _she_ could be the one to comfort A2, which she chalked up to her own protectiveness towards her friends, but the most important thing was that A2 felt better. “You two… used to know each other, right?” Her voice was tentative, afraid that bringing it up might hurt A2 again.

“Yeah. Anemone… was there, when those things happened.”

“Oh.” There was no doubt that ‘those things’ referred to whatever it was in A2’s past that she avoided talking about. She was sure that the two of them must have a special bond, then. …What was this… odd feeling swirling in her chest? Envy?

As soon as she thought the word, 2B knew it to be true. She was envious of Anemone for having a special bond with A2, and wished that she had something like that with her too. But wasn’t that a strange thing for her to feel…?

Right now, the most important thing was being there for A2, so she put her confusion aside as best she could.

2B’s lack of a reaction was rather odd. A2 regarded her with curiosity, but she was still too wrapped up in her own thoughts to guess at what was on her mind.

They walked in silence the rest of the way to the Resistance camp. When they arrived, A2 paused. “Thank you, 2B. When I’m ready to talk about it… I will tell you.”

“Okay. …Even if you don’t want to tell me yet, if you’re still feeling bad later, you can come find me. Don’t… try to do everything alone.”

“…Thank you.” She squeezed 2B’s hand lightly as a goodbye before entering the camp.

Anemone noticed her come in and felt a bit of happiness rise in her chest. As painful as it was to remember those days, seeing A2 still filled her with relief that she wasn’t the only survivor.

A2 stopped once she was beside Anemone. She looked at her, then averted her gaze. Even with Anemone, she couldn’t bring herself to say anything more than, “…Can I sit with you for a while?”

Anemone understood completely. “Of course. Do you… want to go to my room?” There was no innuendo in the question, just an offer for some privacy. In the past few years, Anemone had done a lot of healing, but she too still had days where she needed space or cried for her lost allies.

There was no point in trying to hide anything from Anemone, and automatically she felt the walls around her heart start to relax. “If you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all.” There was a chain of command for a reason, and anyway, things had been peaceful enough lately that she could feel pretty comfortable leaving her post for a little while. Besides, someone would come looking for her if anything urgent came up. …As a leader, her responsibility to the other Resistance members was always on her mind.

A2 allowed herself to be led to Anemone’s room, where she sat beside her on the bed.

“You’ve been thinking about back then.” It wasn’t a question, because there was no doubt in her mind that she was right. It was an invitation to talk about it.

Her arms wrapped loosely around her body. “I’m… not sure that a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about them,” she confessed, “but… it’s different lately.” She took a deep breath, trying to keep her emotions under control. “I love spending time with 2B, but for some reason, it reminds me… of how I let you all down.”

In Anemone’s eyes, there was no reason for A2 to blame herself. But now that she was a captain herself, she understood how anything that went wrong felt like something the captain should have found a way to avoid. “You didn’t let anyone down.”

A fresh wave of self-loathing crashed over her as she couldn’t help but to think just how untrue that was. “I don’t know how you can forgive me. I’m the one who dragged you into all of it. If I had walked away, like everyone else wanted us to…!” Her hands clenched into fists.

“Hey. It’s not like you knew what was going to happen. You wanted us to work together because you really thought we could all survive if we did. I don’t blame you for that. There’s nothing to forgive.” It was true that there had been a time where she had been desperate to blame somebody – the machines, herself, the world, the humans on the moon… But by now, she recognized how futile it was to point fingers. Beating herself up, cursing the world… none of it would bring them back.

“No. 21 tried to warn us, but I didn’t listen…” She felt vulnerable when she opened up like this, almost like she had been back then. It made her feel guilty to act this way in front of Anemone, but she trusted her.

“You wanted to hold onto hope. That’s pretty natural, I’d think.”

Her eyes grew wet. For so long, she thought that revenge would bring her peace, and now it all felt so futile. She felt something like peace when she was with 2B, but… did she deserve it? Anemone seemed to think she did…

“You’ve been fighting ever since then, right?” Anemone asked softly. It was a guess, based mostly on A2’s rough physical condition. “Have you ever taken the time to actually grieve?” That had been the first step for her. At first the pain felt like it would swallow her whole, but she understood now that continuing to run away from those feelings would only have stopped her from healing.

She shook her head, the very idea of it like a knife though her heart. There was a certain finality to that idea, strange as that was when it wasn’t as though holding onto her grief was going to bring them back.

“I know it feels like a lot. …But it’ll help.”

Her elbows resting on her legs, she put her head in her hands, a tremor running through her shoulders. Instinctively, she knew that Anemone was right, but accepting that they were gone _hurt_. Not having revenge to distract herself _hurt_.

It had been a long time since Anemone had tried to provide comfort to anyone, but she wanted A2 to know that she wasn’t going through this alone. She placed a hand on A2’s shoulder in silent reassurance.

“They deserved to be here more than I do.” Her uneven voice gave away how close she was to crying, but at this point she couldn’t quite bring herself to care. “They were stronger than I am. Smarter than I am. Better allies than I am.”

God, it was almost like talking to a younger version of herself. The words were different, but the concept was so similar it was almost painful. “I don’t know why some people live and others don’t. But I’m glad you’re alive.”

Tears spilled over, and she finally allowed herself to cry. It hurt to be alive when they were not. It hurt to see 2B have lost so many people, and to be able to bring back some of those closest to her while knowing her own allies were lost forever. It hurt to be torn between instinctively wanting happiness and feeling she didn’t deserve it.

It hurt… to recognize her own helplessness. If she blamed herself, then at least she could believe she had some control over what had happened, instead of having been completely at the whims of Command and fate.

Anemone sat beside her. She wished she had had someone by her side when she had gone through her grief… but that only made her more determined to ensure A2 did have that.

She cried for a few minutes before her body refused to let her continue, perhaps becoming overwhelmed by the depths of her grief. And yet, at the same time, it turned out that it actually did make her feel a little better. She felt she had a new understanding of the old expression ‘cry it out,’ even if she had come nowhere near doing so fully.

“It’s a long process,” Anemone admitted as A2 lifted her head and wiped her tears away. “But you’ll feel better for it. …And I know they would want that for you.”

She knew that was true, especially of No. 4. They would want her to be happy. They wouldn’t want her to keep punishing herself. “Thank you, Anemone.”

Anemone smiled despite herself. “Anytime. …I mean that.”

“Same to you. If there’s ever anything I can do…”

“Of course.”

They stood and exchanged a brief hug.

After pulling away, Anemone added, “Feel free to stop by just to hang out, too. It’d be nice to do that sometimes, without life or death situations hanging over us.”

“…I think I would like that.” She returned Anemone’s smile. Remembering how she abruptly had left things with 2B, she decided that should wait for now. “For now, I want to let 2B know I’m alright.”

“Okay. Take care of yourself, A2.”

“…I’ll do my best.” With that, she left.

Outside the camp, she looked to Pod 042. “Pod, can you somehow ask 2B to meet me here?”

“Affirmative: request will be conveyed by Pod 153.”

She waited, and before long she could see 2B sprinting toward her. Once 2B was within earshot, she apologized, “I didn’t mean to alarm you.”

“That’s fine.” Worry in her gaze, she searched A2’s eyes.

Emotion swelled within her. She had two people now who really and truly cared about her… “I’ll be okay. But will you… stay with me for a while?” Shame made it hard to maintain eye contact, and she looked down.

“Any time.” _Always._ The strength with which she cared about A2 still confused her. “Where do you want to go?”

“…Anywhere is fine. How about we go fishing?” She knew 2B liked that, and the lighthearted activity would be a nice break for her.

She understood the desire for a distraction. 2B hoped that one day, A2 would feel ready to talk to her about what had happened, but for now, she would support her in whatever ways she could. And… this request was quite far from a hardship, considering spending time with A2 had quickly become one of her favorite things to do.

Hand in hand, they walked to the river, stopping on the way to retrieve 2B’s fishing pole.


End file.
